Understanding

I’ve talked about it before, but I want to reiterate.  Sometimes just understanding where a child is coming from helps us deal with the behaviors.  It doesn’t change the behaviors, but it gives us a different outlook and helps us deal with it a bit different.

The other day I went out on the yard and saw two teachers dealing with the same child in two very different ways.  One was being patient beyond patient and has working really hard at trying to help this child work through his challenges.  The other teacher was very short and, you could tell, was very frustrated with this child.

His history?  Well, this child has just turned 3 and a half.  He speaks absolutely no English, which shouldn’t be too difficult for us since the majority of the children in our care don’t speak English as a primary language; however, he doesn’t speak a language that any of our children or employees know.

The language barrier can be such a struggle on it’s own; but let’s add to the story and explain that he has just moved from a foreign country.  A country that is very different than ours.  I know that if I went to were he came from I would be lost and confused.

Do you feel for this child yet?  Let’s add to the mix.  His mom has been here in America for 3 years.  A year and a half ago, he, too, lived here until his mom, struggling here with the addition of infant twins in the home, sent him to live with his grandparents in this other country.  Do the math, this child was two years old when he left his mom.

Oh, and when he came back to this country just four weeks ago, his grandparents STAYED in his country!

Let’s look from his side, shall we?  He is in a VERY strange place where we have completely different social norms that he is not used to and has not learned.  He speaks absolutely nothing in this language.  He is living with a complete stranger; sure she’s his mom, but he hasn’t seen her in close to HALF his life!!!  Then he is expected to spend his days with MORE strangers and other children who don’t understand him!

The teacher who was being patient?  She’s the one who enlightened me to his back ground.  The other teacher?  Well, I approached her and explained his situation.  Suddenly the light went on and her exact response was, “Wow, I didn’t know.  How scary for him!”

Yes, scary for him.  Does it change the fact that he is hitting children?  Nope!  Does it give us a different perspective to helping him?  Yep!  This is where observation comes in.  The teachers who have been successful in working with him have watched his behavior and the behaviors of those around him.  They watch his body language and are now able to intercept and help when they see that he wants to interact with others.

Things are slowly getting better, all because we now understand where he is coming from!

Winning without playing

Yesterday I was at a center just before lunch.  The children were outside and it was time to go in and wash hands and get ready to eat.  Two boys, well one boy and the other was following him, decided that they were going to play chase with the teachers and not do what was asked of them.

So here is the scenario: 14 children waiting patiently like they were asked at the door, 2 children running sporadically around the yard, 2 adults running sporadically around the yard chasing the 2 children, 1 program trainer assessing the situation.

The program trainer (that would be me) stopped the adults and told them to go inside with the children.  I stayed out with the two.  The two boys?  Well, they saw me out there and went running from me.  I’m not surprised; I expected it from them.

Within 5 minutes, however, I had BOTH boys sitting at the lunch table ready to eat.  Oh, and I never broke a sweat and never said a word to them until they were at the door.

Want to know how I did it?  I took away the game.

The game they were playing was get-the-teachers-to-chase-us-around-while-we-run-from-them-and-laugh.  If the teacher won’t chase them the game goes away.

When the other children went inside, I stood and leaned on the post at the patio area.  The boys?  Ran around everywhere BUT where I was.  Then, they got real brave.  The stood on the same side of the yard as me about 6 feet away.  The stood there whispering to each other, laughing, giggling, and then….running as quickly as they could right in front of me.

I didn’t move.  I didn’t say anything.  I just stood there leaning against the pole. When they got to the other side of me about 6 feet away they stopped and turned to each other giggling, laughing, thinking they did something clever.  I didn’t even make eye contact.

Then they went running up the slide structure and were dancing around up there trying to entice me to come chase them.  I stood, leaning against the pole, not looking at them.

I heard the words, “I think break and some noodles or something.”  AH, so they are getting hungry…it should be about 30 seconds more.

They climb down the structure, walk to the door, reach up to the handle, and I stopped them held both their hands.  Why?  Not because they didn’t go in when they were asked, but because ONLY ADULTS are allowed to open doors in the centers. 

The follower?  He went inside and got ready for lunch.  The leader?   He stayed outside sitting with me.  Why?  Because the leader was still acting goofy and was getting the other children's attention in all of this and dancing around.  Until he didn’t have an audience, he was going to continue and think he got away with something.  He can’t think that because he’ll do it again.

So he and I sat outside for a while, we talked about listening and how important it is to listen to the teachers because it’s not safe.  He could get hurt.  When he finally calmed down enough and stopped the game, I asked him, “When the teachers say it’s time for lunch, what are you supposed to do?”

“line up”

Okay, go do that

Once he went to where he was supposed to, he goofed around some more.  I waited until he calmed back down. 

Now, what are you supposed to do

Sit down for lunch

No, you need to wash your hands first, and then you need to sit down.  When you go in, I expect you to go wash your hands and sit down without distracting the other children.  They are sitting eating their lunch and I don’t want you to disturb them.

He didn’t disturb them at all.

Why?  Because I took away the game.  It’s not fun to play with the teacher if the teacher won’t play the game.

It’s who they know

If you have a child that you find yourself saying their name quite a bit, be prepared to have parents upset that HE is always hurting their children. 

Be very careful that you look at this child from a step back and wonder why YOU are saying his name so much.  Is he just active?  Or is he truly hurting children in a malicious way?  Or is he so active that he’s more like a bull in a China shop where he pretty much runs into other children without really understanding what he’s doing?

I’ll tell you a story about my little friend Alex.  Alex WAS that child who I said his name quite a bit.  He was also that child that parents saw bouncing around when they dropped off their children.  He was ACTIVE, but the LAST child to intentionally hurt another child.

I had a parent come to me one day and pull me into my office (yes, I was a VERY lucky preschool teacher that actually had an office as well were I could work on lesson plans and assessments).  She was so upset on this Friday that she had picked up her child, dropped her off at home, then came BACK to school to speak with me

.

She started off by expressing her anger over the fact that her child had come home with an ouch report EVERY DAY that week and ALEX had been the cause of ALL of them (see why we keep those things quiet and confidential, although we know they walk out and ask their child).

I get her anger.  If I thought that Alex had harmed my child every day that week I would be upset, too.  However, I am a preschool teacher.  I also know without a doubt 100% that Alex had NOT pinched her child that day (I’ll let you know why in a second).

I began by asking her who had told her Alex had done all these things to her child.  She responded that her child had told her.  Now I know that it’s not one of my staff members breaching confidentiality so I can move forward.

I questioned, “Okay, and she said that Alex pinched her today?” 

Yes

Interesting because Alex wasn’t here today.

I then went to my ouch report log that I keep for myself that is more detailed so I can find patterns of behaviors or injuries (has all the children involved, where, which teachers were involved, etc…).  I discovered that of the FIVE ouch reports, Alex was responsible for ONE of them…and it was completely accidental.

”So, you’re calling my child a liar?”

No, I wouldn’t call her a liar.  I’d call her a three year old.  I don’t know the reason she said Alex did all those things, but I can tell you that only ONE of those incidents were a result of Alex’s actions, and that was a complete accident of circumstances.  I can also tell you that Alex was not here today or yesterday and could not have possibly injured your child those days.

What I will continue to tell you is about the development of a three year old.  It could be that, at three, when she gets hit in the head with a ball from behind, she looks up in front of her and the first child she sees is the culprit.

It could be that Alex is the only child’s name that she knows and is the only child’s name that she associates with chaotic moments in the classroom which includes getting injured.

It could be that she is picking up on the way you are asking her who hurt her and knows what you expect to hear; therefore will say what she knows will please you in a way.  Or, it could be that she likes the reaction and protective nature you go into when you hear that it was Alex that hurt her.

So, let me ask you, and mind you I am NOT saying this child did this, but if she had told you that Maddy had pinched her today, would you be in my office right now?

Well, no, Maddy wouldn’t do something like that.  Maddy would never hurt another child.

Interesting because, again, I am not telling you which one, but Maddy IS responsible for one of her injuries this week.  I will also let you know that it is a different child every day this week involved in each of these ouch reports.

That parent was given the information she needed to take a second look when hearing Alex’s name from her daughter after each injury for the rest of the year.  I didn’t hear many more complaints from her or other parents about Alex after that.

Alex was that active child.  But be careful to not let the children associate one child with injury…it’s not fair to them or that child.

My knees are wearing out

Today I spent the morning observing in a classroom where a teacher was having trouble with a couple of boys.  They are just so full of energy and she needed to know if it was something SHE was doing, something that needed to be changed in her environment or schedule, or if some outside services needed to be called for additional support for some of the children.

After my observation it is apparent that it is NOT the environment or her; we will be calling in a counseling service for two of the children to give them a little more support.  These boys have a lot to deal with at home and it has very obviously come into school, as it typically does.

Here’s how I know that she is being responsive and helpful to the children’s needs:

When they were running around, she very calmly and quietly SAT in the block area where they were jumping around and just sat.  She didn’t say anything; she didn’t need to.  Suddenly, the boys began to focus on what they were doing. 

Then, one of them went to the learning area on the other side of the shelf and she noticed he needed a little help.  She crawled over there.  Yes, I said crawled.  Staying down on their level kept the energy level down.  She understands this.

When she noticed that the boys she left in the block area needed her presence back (which was about 30 seconds after she left) she crawled back over. 

In 15 minutes time, she must have crawled back and forth about 20 times.  I’m not exaggerating either, I think it was more. 

On her last trip over it was because a child had called her over to help him with something.  With a smile on her face, calmness in her voice, she crawled over all while saying, “I’m on my way Brian, my knees are wearing out, but I’m on my way”

Yeah, there are great things happening in that classroom!

The behaviors of killers in childhood

(I am in no way an expert on this topic. I am only compiling what I have discovered and giving you my opinion)

When I set out to do write this article, I thought I KNEW what I was going to find. Do you ever do that? Are you ever 100% sure of what you are going to find, only to be surprised?

I’m not talking about finding that you were completely 100% wrong, just surprised at what you find out. That’s what happened with me. I thought that I was going to find out that a child who is cruel to animals would turn into a serial killer. What I WANTED to find out was if there was any help for these children.

So, what did I find out? We’ll get into the details. However, I will foreshadow everything by giving you the basics. (This is for those of you, like me, just want the quick answer) The details and theories and reasoning behind it all will follow. (this is for those of you, like me, want to know how it all works)

So, what I found, and really should have figured out on my own, was that children who are cruel to animals don’t just have a tendency to grow into serial killers, but to grow into people who are, for lack of a better term, criminal towards other people. They grow to become rapists, murderers, and killers; not just serial killers. I was really fascinated by all the information I discovered in this research:

First, the three most common traits in childhood that serial killers have are day dreaming, compulsive masturbation, and isolation. (FYI, most serial killers are white males in their twenties and thirties). As children, they had been left alone or forced to live in isolation. Little attention was given to them. This sort of abandonment forced them to become their own source of company. This leads them to day dreaming and creating a fantasy world.

Don’t most children day dream? Don’t most children create their own fantasy world? The answer is yes. The difference is that most children grow out of these fantasy worlds whereas serial killers get pulled into their fantasy worlds.

So what about those children who have been cruel to animals? What happens to them? Well, they are showing that they don’t have a respect for life. It is an INDICATOR to “violent psychopathology”. They believe life to be worthless and it crosses to all life, not just that of animals.

Children who have tormented, tortured, or killed animals as a child have grown to kill and murder many people: family members, strangers, men, women, children, etc… They tend to continue this torment and torture into their human victims.

So, what do you do if you have a child in your classroom who begin to show signs of cruelty to animals? GET THEM HELP!

I’m not talking about the child who pet’s the class bunny too hard. They need to learn about being gentle. I’m talking about the child who does mean things to the animals: intentionally hurting them or possibly killing them. When they consciously know that they are causing harm to the animal.

These children also tend to come from homes where there is abuse or neglect. They will also, most likely, be victims of drug or alcohol abuse (not necessarily their own, but that of a family member). Though this is not ALWAYS the case, it is more true than not. This, again, came as a lesson to me. I went in to this research process expecting to find that this was truly a physical or chemical problem in the brain. Something that someone is born with; not something that is based on their life.

What I did find, is that sometimes that abuse and neglect from a parent happened behind closed doors. This could be abuse that no one saw from the outside; in public, they would be a “happy little family” while at home, it was a cruel and torturous place. No one would have expected it.

Last things I learned? They have an inability to be social or are socially unacceptable. Do you have a child that has problems socializing? NOT AT ALL SAYING THEY ARE IN LINE FOR THIS. What I AM saying is that, like we do with ALL children, is that we have to teach them how to socialize.

While there were some traits that could to be defined as “something in the brain” (disorganized thinking, bipolar mode disorder), nurture seems to have more to do with it rather than nature.

Let me continue to say that this is a RARE behavior to see. I have seen the beginning signs in one child and, unfortunately, have since lost track of him and his progress.

What I have discovered through this project is that, although there are comparative traits in all serial killers, the most we can do is take the children and nurture them, care for them, and help them become socially competent beings who are have people to turn to; rather than having to turn to those fantasy worlds.

Some of the sites I got information from:
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

Research mode

I am in research mode because of this post over here. A post that has become a hot topic. I started the comments by talking about how every serial killer started out by abusing and killing animals. It's a fact. What I am looking for is how to help these children. I am looking in to it. It may take until Friday or even next week; but I am going to find answers.

There has got to be a way to help these children. I'm not giving up; I'm curious as to see how to help them.

I have begun the research and am finding some interesting facts. I look forward to sharing it with you all.

Challenging Behaviors-Stripping

Here's a new one: A child gets mad at a situation and, in response, strips down to her underwear. What do you do?

First, let me tell you this is a child who is very typical in her development. She does have anger management issues, but is not suffering from any disabilities or developmental delays. She seems to be looking for new ways in dealing with problems every time they approach. Almost like she's thinking, "How will they react if I do this?"

So, yesterday's test was to strip! While they were outside! I get the questions, "What am I supposed to do?" Well, I am a big believer in natural consequences. I am also a big believer that the natural consequence mixed in with you staying so calm it's frustrating to them is an even better situation.

What is the natural consequence? You need to have your clothes on in order to play outside. Therefore, "you can put your clothes on, or you can go SIT inside until you decide to get your clothes on." When she refuses to put the clothes on, VERY CALMLY, pick up the clothes, take her by the hand, and WALK inside and place the clothes on the floor next to her. Tell her, "When you get your clothes on, you can go back outside and play. If you need help, you can ask me when you are ready." Then, get out some paperwork you need to do and, VERY CALMLY, begin working. Every once in a while look up and ask, "Are you ready yet? Do you need my help?" If there is no response, or the response is to yell at you, turn back to your work.

The appearance you are giving is, "You're tantrum isn't going to get in my way. I am still going to go on with what I need to do." If she begins playing with toys, VERY CALMLY, walk over, put them away, and reiterate, "You can't play with your clothes off. Once you get dressed, then you can play." Stick with it!

The first time, it may be over very quickly or it may drag out. It depends on the child. The second episode it will take a very long time. However, if you are consistent, they will know the consequence of their behavior. They will also know that they are the only one that is disrupted by it. So, they will go on to try other behavior to try and disrupt you. The more you let their behaviors only affect themself, the more they are going to think before trying something new.

Challenging Behaviors-Personal Space

Okay, I want to prefice this post by telling a quick story:
When I first encountered my first special needs child in my classroom (she was diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder-Not otherwised specified or PDD; basically one of many forms of autism). Anyway, my brother works with people of all ages with all sorts of special needs and is very well known in his field; so of course I turned to him for some help. When I asked him what I needed to do he replied, "Follow her lead and start from where she is at developmentally. Sit back and observe and give her the tools she needs. Find how she learns best and start from there." (okay, that isn't word for word, it was over 5 years ago, but it is pretty close). My response (which is exactly word for word), "Okay, but what do I do for her that is different that what I am already doing for everyone else in the classroom." We went back and forth in our conversation until we finally came to the same conclusion: what he does for special needs children is what I do for all young children: take them for who they are, appreciate them for that, and follow their lead in providing learning opportunities for them.

As you know by now, I will do what is best for one individual child, even if I wouldn't do it for all; but I would do the same things for any of them. Does that make sense when you read it? It makes sense when I say it; but looks odd in writing. Maybe I need to record the message.

Now on to today's challenging behavior:

We have a child (let's go with Katie, remember I use different names for confidentiality). Katie likes to have her own space and gets very aggressive in behavior when people come in to the space that she doesn't know or possibly trust. She allows her parents and her teacher to come into her space frequently. The assistant teacher has just recently been able to break this space barrier without her losing control. Some of the other classmates are allowed in her space, but not everyone; actually it's only a rare 2 or 3 that are consistently allowed in. The frustration with the teacher is that she never knows which child will be let in or what is going to make her lose control.

By lose control, the teacher means: pushing them away to throwing things at them. It seems to escalate as it progresses. She'll start with a simple motion or even a disgruntled sound but if the other person doesn't read this clue, then she will escalate until she gets her message across.

I want to note here that there are no stressors in her life that would show cause for her to need her own space. This just seems to be part of her personality. And, though she may have other developmental problems (autism, or other such diagnosis) those haven't been diagnosed nor do they come into play in how to help her; as I mentioned above, it is the same thing I would do for any child.

Katie needs to be able to function in a classroom setting in order to be successful. She is four and will be going to Kindergarten in '09; so there is some work to be done, but it is possible. If Katie can be successful in Kindergarten in a group setting, she will be successful in life. So how do we help her?

First, I would teach all the children about personal space and allowing others into their space as well as how to let other's know to get out of their space. Do some role playing at circle time. Have two children sit in front of everyone very close together. Instruct one child to turn to the other and say, "You are too close to me. I need more space. Please move over." When they move over try a new group of children. This time, the other child doesn't move; instruct the speaking child to move themselves. If you practice it at circle, they will be able to practice it in the classroom. This will also give Katie some visual help in how to better deal when someone doesn't listen or notice her subtle cues. Make sure that Katie is one of the volunteers to practice at circle time.

Katie may not join circle, and that's okay. Give her a space just outside of circle if she can handle that, or even set up a quiet activity at the table for her to do during circle. Keep an eye on her, she will be participating just at a distance. I had one child who would sit at the table during circle with some puzzles and books. One day, while asking questions about the book I was reading, he piped up the answer. So, even though she isn't right there, she will be benefiting. If you allow her to join circle when she is ready to handle it, there will be much more success.

Obviously small spaces are a problem as well. If things are getting too crowded at the sensory table, put some of the supplies in a smaller tub at the table. This will allow her to participate but have her own space. And yes, if other children want too do this as well, it is just fine. Maybe as she progresses she will be able to share this smaller tub with one other child.

As the teacher, you also need to be aware of her smaller cues. Can you be with her 100% of the time? No, you have too many other's that need your attention as well. But any successful teacher is able to keep an eye or ear on everything; I call it global awareness: the ability to close your eyes in a classroom and know exactly where every child is and what they are doing and where you need to go first. So, when you begin to see or hear these cues, tell the person: "Sally, Katie is pushing you with her hands, that means you're in her space. Katie, remember to say you are in my space please move." Just as Katie needs to learn these words to use, Sally needs to learn the cues. These are cues that people need in order to be successful. Do you know when a good time to ask your boss for a day off is by her body cues? I'm guessing you do. It's a social skill.

Don't just remind children, remind adults. If your assistant teacher needs it, just mention, "Miss J, I see Katie is pushing your leg away, this is a cue." Or, even the other parents, "Mrs. Smith, Katie is asking you to move away from her chair. Please move, she needs some more space." When Mrs. Smith rolls her eyes or makes a snide comment be sure to call her out on it. "We are teaching all the children to respect every ones space and to read other people's body cues. It's important in our environment that they know that others will respect them."

This situation with Katie will be fixed and pretty easily with very little effort; but it will take time...and space. Allow her to have her own space; we all need our own space. Allow all the children to have their own space.

One last note: Create several spaces in the classroom where children can get away. A refrigerator box to crawl into to get away, a table for one set up in a corner to be able to turn your back on the room and get involved in your own task, large pillows set up in a corner with a personal CD player with headset...

What are some personal space ideas you use at your centers?

Challenging Behavior-Anger Management Closing

Scenario three: While outside, Randy threw a ball directly at another child's head. The teacher called yelled his name out and he immediately bolted around the yard. At this point, the teacher got into a chasing game (always a loosing battle for the teachers). The teacher finally gave up and there was no follow through.

My comments: We know Randy is going to bolt. Don't call out his name. Actually, the best thing to do is pretend you didn't see it. Then, casually walk over; don't even make eye contact. When you get within range of him, quickly put out your hand and grab his hand or shoulder; whatever you need to do to make sure he stays where he is. Get down eye to eye with him and address the issue, "I saw you hit Suzy in the head with that ball. Let's go over and see if she is okay." Even if he struggles at this point, don't let go. If you need to, call Suzy over; though it's more effective if he has to go over to her. After you make sure she's okay, stay at his eye level and say, "If you want to play with Suzy all you have to do is say, 'Suzy, I have a ball, do you want to play catch?'" Many times this is really what he wanted anyway but he doesn't know how to initiate play.
If he did it because he was mad at Suzy, he needs to be your buddy for a bit until he can control his actions. So then you say, "You are not in control of your body, you need to do something with me. What are we going to do?"
If you know that he's going to bolt even if you are casually walking, get another teacher involved. Before walking over to him, walk to another teacher and tell her, "I'm going to get Randy, could you catch him when he runs this way please; I'll go from the other direction." This will sandwich him in and he will be stopped. At this point, the other teacher should hand him over to you to let him know that you are all a united front. If you see a teacher trying to get a child and you don't do anything to help, you are not being a team player and I, as a supervisor, will have a very necessary talk with you.

The most important thing to do with a child who is angry or has anger management issues is to understand where he is coming from. That will give you an idea of what is going to set him off. In the case of Randy, life has been horrible to him. He can't trust that he is ever going to stay around. Plus, he has learned that if he is bad enough, he'll get pushed away (got kicked out of two centers). So, he is going to escalate before he gets better because he needs to know that no matter what he does, you are going to let him stick around. With some consistency and meeting his needs for controlling his environment, he will get better.

The best suggestion I have ever had in teaching a child to control their anger was to put up a poster. On the poster put up pictures of things that you can do when you are mad: punch a pillow (we use the hanging mats in the classroom), blow a feather across a table (we have a basket available at all times), kick something (we have a bunch of newspaper balls available; they don't go too far and don't hurt if accidentally hit by one), yell and scream (we have a 'screaming box' taped to the ground where you can go and yell and scream all you want; one inside and one outside), scribble (this can be done in the art area). When a child is angry, any child not just the one who we are trying to help manage his anger, they are instructed to go to the poster and choose something to do.

It's important for them to know that it's okay to get angry. You have a right to your emotions. However, how you deal with your emotions is also important. You can get mad at someone, but you must calm down before dealing with it. Always make sure to follow through too. For example, if this was used in Scenario two, Randy could have been taken to the poster and chosen something to do. Let's say he decided to blow a feather across the table. When he was done, the teacher could ask, "Are you feeling less angry? If not, let's do it again or something else to calm down." Once he was calm, don't let the issue drop. Say, "Okay, now that you are calm and your anger is under control, let's talk about what made you angry." He was angry because he hadn't been chosen for a chore remember. So depending on the stage you are at with him there are a few ways to conclude:
First, "I know you want a chore, but you had one last week and will have to wait for next week."
Second, "You didn't get a chore, but if someone is absent this week you will get to sub for them."
Third, "We didn't have a chore for you, but maybe today you can be the one to..."

As with all challenging behaviors (and not challenging), you need to understand where they are coming from and help them understand as well. Understanding them will make it so much easier; and just knowing the information seems to bring on more patience in a teacher.

Challenging Behaviors-Anger Management Scenario two

Scenario two: Randy was sitting at circle Monday morning. This is the circle that the teacher 'assigns' chores for the week. First, Randy had been picking his nose and the teacher said, "Randy, you were picking your nose. Please go wash your hands." The other children all looked at him and he refused to go. The teacher again told him to go wash his hands and he crossed his arms and slumped down. The assistant teacher went over to go help him up and take him to the sink; Randy bolted away from circle and ran and hid under the bottom steps of the loft. There was no way for an adult to reach him. When he finally came out, the teacher tried to use positive reinforcement and announced, "Good job Randy, I'm glad you chose to come out. Go wash your hands and you can come back and join us; I'll wait." Randy immediately bolted under the steps again. Every time he came out (twice more) she made the same comments. Finally, after some gently prodding from the assistant teacher, Randy washed his hands and quietly joined circle. When it came time to assign tasks the teacher chose the children; Randy wasn't one of them. He had been assigned a task last week and the teacher didn't think it was fair to give it to him two weeks in a row; plus he hadn't sat for circle like everyone else. When she dismissed everyone from circle he went over to the table and threw all the chairs down; still mad that he wasn't chosen for a chore. When asked to pick them up he got really upset and began ripping the paper in the art area and was basically out of control. At this point, the teacher is playing "protect the others" and is basically keeping the other children away from him and blocking objects that are flying across the room.

My comments: First, let's address the hand washing. Randy was embarrassed to be called out in front of everyone. If the teacher had called him up (very casually saying, "Randy, come here I have something to tell you") and whispered in his ear "you need to go wash your hands please" he probably would have done it with no problem. Even if he had bolted under the stairs, when he came out if she hadn't said anything he may have just done it on his own. Even if he had joined circle at that point, the hand washing could have waited; there are a lot more germs floating around. He could have been gently reminded at dismissing circle, "Randy, you can go wash your hands and find something to do."
Now, for the chores. Give Randy something to do every week! Is it "fair"? No...and yes. As I've mentioned before, it is fair if it's what that child needs. He needs to feel important every day; he gets a special job every day. That is what set off the rest of the episode. The whole thing could have been avoided just by having assigned him a job.
Once he is mad, though, there are some tactics that can be used to calm him back down, we'll get into that a bit later.

Challenging Behavior-Anger Mangament

It is so difficult to have a child with anger management issues because many times they endanger other children. These are usually the first to go (read: get kicked out) but in reality the ones who need us the most. When I got a question about a particular child with anger I first needed to look at his background.

The reason for looking at the background is the most important in a case like this for one reason:

Children aren't just angry for no reason.

There is always a reason for this anger. So, I asked about the child's background (for confidentiality purposes let's call him Randy):

This child is currently 4 years old. He has been in foster care since he was around 6 months old and has been in 9 different foster homes and in an orphanage type center for children in extreme situations. They do their best there, but is a very heartbreaking place to be as an adult; I can only imagine for a child. This child has finally been placed into permanent foster care with a family relative (a distant cousin) and has been there for the past 6 months. This family has four other children with the range of 2 years to 10 years. Randy has also been kicked out of the past two child care places. He was enrolled at his current center through a counseling service referral; however this center was unaware of Randy's situation until after the enrollment.

On his first day, the teacher noticed that Randy was very active. She actually seems to be a very positive teacher because her attitude is basically "he's an active boy, but has some problems". When the first day was active, she knew what kind of dynamics he was going to bring to the room. He would be at school from 7:45 to 4:45 every day; so the days could be long for both the teacher and the child. After the first week, the problems began to arise with his anger and his desire to control the environment.

Randy will throw a block at a child if they mess up his building. If he is across the room and another child wants to sit down in a chair he will run across the room, shove them out of the chair, and tell them they can't sit there. With some prompting from the teacher, he will find another chair for the child to sit in, but won't allow the child to sit in the first one. This goes on even to the point of not allowing certain children to play together; even though he has no desire to play with the child at the time. Randy will throw chairs, hit, kick, yell, and anything else to make it known he was mad. He has even been known to kick and hit the teachers. He will also run when a teacher catches him doing something and will hide under anything that the teachers can't get him out of; or will run away and get into a game of chase with the teachers.

On the plus side, he truly seems to have a heart of gold. Randy can visit the toddler room and not hurt a single child. He actually seems to brighten up and will help them finish puzzles, 'read' books to them, and show them how to do things like climb the ladders. When a child is hurt or crying in the classroom he is one of the first, as long as he isn't in an episode, to go over and ask if he is okay. He can be very gentle and loving to others, especially those younger than him

The teacher can't seem to see a pattern to his behaviors and feels like she is walking on eggshells with him; never knowing if he is going to blow up or take things in stride.

I ask for a few examples as situations in which these behaviors seem to occur. I will give the scenario and then my comments:

Scenario one: Randy is typically one of the first children in the classroom. One day he was coloring quietly at the table with markers; there were three other children in the room at different activities. When the fourth child came in, one of the other children went running over to give him a hug. Randy glances up from the paper and shouts, "Stop! You can't play with him." When the teacher asked if he had wanted to play with him he said, "No, but she can't play with him." Randy made no attempt to get up from his activity or to make room for the other child to join him. He gave every appearance that he only wanted to control what everyone else in the classroom was doing or playing with, even though it had no impact on him or his activity.

My comment: Randy has had no control over his life. He has been yanked from every place he has ever been with no choice and, many times, with no warning. At home he has four other children to contend with and two foster parents who work full time and take care of five children; I'm sure there isn't much that he gets to control at home. With this understanding, maybe Randy can be given something to have control over in the classroom. If drop off is a time where he seems to get jealous of others greeting each other, maybe he can be in charge of greeting each child and marking off who has come in on a chart or board.

Another way to give him control in the room is to make him responsible for a specific area. The library is always a great place for this. He can help decide which books to put out every week, he gets to make sure it is cleaned up with the books displayed correctly everyday, and he can even decide what posters and pictures to put up in this area. As he grows, you can help influence his decision of books to choose by suggesting "You know Johnny's going camping next week, would you like to put this camping book in the library for him?" This would not only give him a sense of control, but it would also help him see other children in the class and their interests as well.

If he seems to start taking too much control of the area (ie, you can't go in this area, it's mine) he will need to be encouraged to change this behavior; but done gently, he probably would be more eager to share this space rather than to keep kids out.

Tomorrow we will look at scenario two and in two days we will look at scenario three and some anger management techniques.

Do you have a challenging behavior?

There is a little girl in our 3's classroom that can be very challenging. Who am I kidding, there are MANY children in that classroom who can be challenging. I've talked about the teacher before, and some of her challenging behaviors in the classroom. It is a challenging classroom that she is doing a fabulous job with.

Let me add to this classroom story (remember the 3 year old little girl in the first sentence here?): Well, this child is going through some major changes at home. Her primary caregiver (grandma) is now working 2 jobs, so she doesn't get to see much of her at all lately. Her secondary caregiver (mom) is now working and going to school, so she doesn't get to see much of her at all either. What's a 3 year old to do when she is struggling to get some attention and some love at home and then has to come to school and fight for attention with 15 other children? She hits, kicks, scratches, throws tantrums, and anything else to get the teacher's attention.

Rather than giving her attention for the bad, we are putting into effect a strong effort to curb the behaviors by being proactive. Before she has an outburst, she gets to be involved in special tasks. This includes me coming in and taking her out of the classroom to do something special in the office; or getting pulled aside for a special game while outside; or just sitting in the corner of the room reading books; or anything else that makes her feel as if she is the only one around.

I can't tell you the results yet because we just started this yesterday; but I can give you a prediction that we will be very successful. She enjoyed playing with the hose yesterday when I took her out to the garden; just me and her. And she got as much time as she needed. She dictated when she was ready to go back. When she got back, there were no problems for the rest of the afternoon...sometimes they just need to feel important...

Now, my question to you is this: What challenging behaviors do you have in your classroom that you would like addressed? I am going to begin a regular segment on Fridays that will discuss these challenging behaviors and give some help in dealing with them. Anything big or little. What are your challenges?

Biting? scratching? whining? tantrums? children who isolate themselves? send me a note (or leave it in the comments) and I'll help you address them. Be sure I can get back to you so I can get a summary of background if I need it.

Trusting children

I have written posts before about trusting children and putting real items in the classroom. Let me tell you what I have witnessed in my own center throughout this year:

I have a teacher who, like me, trusts children. She just doesn't know how to do it. She wants her classroom to be totally child centered; she wants the children to be responsible and respectful in their environment. She wants them to contribute to that environment, but also knows that she can contribute items in the classroom and they will learn, with some instruction, in proper use of those items.

This teacher also has a class of children with many behavior challenges. She has two children who are drug babies, three who are being raised by grandparents (two of which their parents are in prison), three who have speech delays which has lead to more aggressive behaviors (if I can't tell you to leave me alone, a well place shove, bit, or kick gets my message across). That's half of her class. Include in that the one's with parents who need parenting classes to get it through that no, it's not funny when your child uses bad words, hits, kicks, and wrestles with others. She really has a difficult class.

I have challenged her to start bringing in many items that she was afraid to bring in. First was the pet. Then the wind chimes; and slowly we have added many other items that she was afraid to bring in. Almost every time she looks at me as if she wants to say "You're kidding right Miss Jenni? You do know my class. They are going to destroy this!" However, to her credit, she brings in what I ask her to; or does whatever activity I suggest; and she gives it 100%. She doesn't do it halfway hoping it isn't successful so that she can come back and say "See it didn't work". Most of the time she is surprised! To be honest, sometimes I am too.

So, what have I observed over the course of this year? Anytime we trust the children with something fragile, they surprise us and they actually calm down! Children who are rough and tumble will sit quietly holding the gecko and will protect him. They show more compassion for this small pet than any person. They are gentle and caring and protective.

Given a book that is special, they turn the pages carefully. They make sure that everyone else does too, and the calm down and relax, and are very serious in their duty to be careful.

Sitting at a table with a tablecloth changes the entire atmosphere. Having a real glass vase with flowers encourages them to be careful. Real picture frames are treated with respect. It's like having these "fragile" items around forces them to be more careful; and in doing so, makes them more able to focus and keep control of their bodies and actions.

Have any of you noticed this?

Natural consequences

I am a big believer in natural consequences. I am also a big believer in making sure children understand what the natural consequence is for their actions.

Sometimes this is easier than others. You left your jacket at home, so you are cold. You decided to throw your food on the floor, now you have nothing to eat. You wet your pants, you need to change them.

Other times, this is a bit more difficult to connect because there could be so many outcomes. I'm going to use today as an example. We have a rule at our center that children must wear their shoes at all times outside. This is for safety reasons. Their feet could get hurt; between wood chips that could get stuck in their feet, tricycles that could run over toes, and everything else. I had one child decide that she was going to take her shoes off. When I asked her to put her shoes back on, she decided that this was the time to go running around the yard. Very quickly her two buddies decided to join in by kicking off their shoes and running with her.

Here's the natural consequence: you took off your shoes, so you have to sit at the table. You don't want to wear shoes? Okay! I don't want your feet to get hurt. Therefore, you can keep your shoes off and sit at the table.

Now, the rest of the consequence was a bit more because of their running from authority. Since they were quickly gaining an audience of other children in their class, I decided that it was best dealt with inside...away from nosey eyes. One child, after a bit, decided it was in her best interest to listen and came with me quietly inside. The teacher that was left outside corralled the other two quickly after and sent them in after.

It was simple: you are going to sit at the table...with nothing to do...but sit and stare...and wonder when I will be kind enough to let them up. I'm not stupid, I talked to the child who was first to take her shoes off (and first to come in). She had gotten sand and water in her shoes and that was why she had taken them off. This is fair; I would have wanted to do the same. So we talked about letting the teacher know of the situation and solving the problem. After a discussion in which she took full part in (I listened she talked); I went and got her shoes. She put them on and went back out. Why did she get to go and not the others? Because, even though it took a bit, she did come willingly and came inside on her own free will; no matter how reluctantly she did so.

The other two girls continued sitting...waiting...wondering when I would let them go too. I explained a simple fact: "When you take off your shoes outside, your only option, to keep you safe, is to sit at the table until you decide to put your shoes on again." Immediately, one of them piped up, "Miss Jenni, I want to put my shoes on." Hmmm!

"Well, here's the dilemma: You are sitting at the tables inside. You left your shoes outside. You can't possibly get up and get them, because you would have to walk in the yard without shoes...that's not allowed. What are you going to do?"

This lead to, as I planned, a conversation about listening to the teacher when she gives them instructions, keeping shoes on, and how much they have just missed in this little episode (everyone else is outside playing). After a long talk, I get their shoes for them (I had secretly brought them in with me beforehand), they put them on, and went outside. They went out with the firm instructions that they are not allowed to play with each other for the rest of the day (there was only an hour left in the day).

Was this a time out? In some definitions of the word, yes. However, this was more a consequence of their actions. You can't play and run around without shoes on. That leaves only one choice: sitting at a table. They were not left to sit at the table for a set amount of time until they could get up. No, I sat with them the entire time and, when appropriate, had conversations with them about the incident. When was it appropriate? When they began to realize the extent of how far I was willing to go. When each one came to the realization that I was willing to wait at the table until their mom's came, that's when we began talking.

Is it a natural consequence in the clinical definition of the word? No. It is in my definition. What happens when you take off your shoes? The things is, I am consistent. Anytime a child takes of his or her shoes, I have them sit at the table until they put them on again. Sometimes this only takes a minute, sometimes longer. In the end, their shoes get back on. I can out wait them all and they have come to learn that. I patiently, calmly, and consistently enforce all rules: everyone must be safe. (Okay, that's one rule) But that's all I need.

Alphabet Sorting Containers

There are so many items that we have in the classroom that I consider a luxury. No matter how much your center has or doesn't have, everyone has luxury items. What I consider to be luxury items are anything that is not an absolute need.

We need: red, yellow, blue, white, and black tempura paint.

We also get: orange, green, purple, pink, magenta, and all the other fancy colors.

We need: markers, crayons, paper, scissors, glue

We also get: feathers, pompom balls, every color of construction paper, fancy scissors, etc...

We need: books

We also get: big books, books on tape/CD

We need: pencils and plain paper (scrap paper would work)

We also get: line newsprint, pencils of every size

Do you get where I am going? There are some things that we enhance what we are doing. It's not a bad thing; really it's not! We can make a lesson out of anything, yet we fall back on some items that aren't necessary. I look for teachers who can make quality lessons with a rock and some leaves. Anyone can sort and categorize colored teddy bears; a thought provoked teacher can sort and categorize anything!

That brings me to the Alphabet Sorting Containers that somehow made their way into my center (They were there when I arrived years ago). Now, we don't need this. Any teacher can ask the children to bring in items that start with a letter and add it to the manipulative area, or the science area. However, today I was sitting with a child who is three and a half. This is a child with lots of behavior challenges. He sat with me for 30 minutes picking up different items from a bowl, saying the name of the item, and repeating the first sound over and over until he figured out what letter that was. Yes, I helped him with some; probably more than not. He is 3 after all and we don't work on academics until the second half of their preschool year. They first have to learn to socialize. The pride on his face when he said "Lion...llll...llllll....llllll...ELLL!" That made this item worth it.

So, I am not saying that everyone should go out and get this item. What I am saying is, if you have a few hundred dollars sitting around and wondering what you should buy (and you don't need 5 more gallons of paint, new paintbrushes in every size, big huge easel paper, play food, or anything else) go ahead and spend your money on this. It is worth it.

However, if you don't have the money...make your own with the children. They will remember it so much more!

He slapped the teacher...

...and she didn't slap him back! Nope. She spend a little bit more time with him. So here's the story (I'm proud of her):

A child, let's call him Zach, was coloring...on the table. Miss J sees this and tells him that she has paper for him to color on if he wants, or a box, but he is not allowed to color directly on the table. Zach is going through some rough times at home, has some social delays, and is in speech therapy. This can get very frustrating for a teacher at times; and difficult to reach deep down and find some patience. Well, Miss J seems to be overflowing with patience. So, when she tries to redirect Zach, he reaches up and slaps her across the face! What does Miss J do? She takes him by the hand and tells him that he isn't allowed to hurt her and she needs to go do laundry, so he would be coming with her; and when they got back he would be washing the table. She didn't raise her voice, she didn't pull him, she just paused, took a breath, and reacted appropriately. When they got to the laundry room, he was still crying (he knew he had done wrong). When I asked what had happened, she let him explain. Through some quick and subtle questioning, I gathered that things were a bit chaotic in the classroom at the time (it was clean up time and they were making a major transition to another part of the day). Knowing this, I "suggested" that Isaac get to hang out with me for a bit. This would allow him to calm down as well as avoid a highly stressful situation back in the classroom.

Of course, he cried about this; but I explained that when he slaps his teacher, he doesn't get to be with her. It took him about 2 minutes to calm down enough to start examining the pictures on my wall. Once he was calm, I asked him what had happened. He kept repeating, quite mournfully, that he had slapped Miss J. This, along with his body language, told me he was very sorry he had done it. I suggested that we go get some ice for Miss J to help her feel better and bring it to her. He hopped up and skipped (literally skipped) to the kitchen and asked the cook for some ice. With a big smile on his face, he walked back to the classroom. I wasn't sure, at this point, that he really got the concept of what we were doing. Just outside the door I stopped and asked, "What are you going to do when we go inside?" "Give to Miss J, ice, feel better!" So, he did understand! We went inside, he gave Miss J the bag of ice, and this is what she did:
She bent down to his level and said Thank you! This makes me feel better!
I didn't need to give subtle hints to what we were doing, and she still got it. That made Zach feel even better.
It is so important to understand where a child is coming from. Miss J understands that this child didn't really want to hurt her, he was upset. He couldn't come up with the words fast enough to express himself, so he reacted physically; it's human nature. She wasn't mad at him! She understood him. She didn't punish him, she disciplined him. Natural consequences for your actions. You will clean up your own mess; you will take responsibility of your actions. Even better, there was a look in her eyes of true understanding; I know that she went home and cried from the overwhelming feeling that this child truly cares about her.

Responsible parents

I have a general rule: when a child destroys school property, they need to replace it. Now, I of course have lots of flexibility in this rule. If it was accidental, if this child doesn't typically destroy things, and if the child was only a victim of circumstance (i.e. the pages in the book are already falling out). When a child's behaviors begin to escalate on a regular basis, I typically give the parent(s) a warning: If this continues, we will hold you financially responsible for what s/he has destroyed. This usually gets the parent's attention and they begin to cooperate with us in making a plan to improve the child's behavior.
Yesterday, we had a child tear a book apart...literally. This child is having some problems at home, but not too many at school, so I was ready to look the other way, in a sense. He owned up to it; and when dad came to pick him up he was the one who told his dad what had happened. Of course dad was upset that his child had done this.
Today dad came into my office with his wallet out, "How much did that book cost that he tore apart." I told him not to worry about it this time. We are all working together to help his child through some problems and that's all that matters. Dad was insistent that he pay for the book. I suggested that he take his son to the store and have him buy a book for the center, making sure that he knew that this was because of the book that he destroyed. Dad thought it was a great idea and promised to take him to the store tonight to do just that.
Then the light really went on:
"I'll take it out of his money, too."
That is a fabulous, no perfect, plan. The more responsibility this child has to take in righting his wrongs, the better he will learn. Needless to say, the child was very upset when he found out that he was going to have to use his own money to replace the book he destroyed.
I have to give big credit to this father. He is a single dad trying to do the best in raising his son. The child's mother is a drug addict and never around. He is trying hard to do this on his own; it's not easy. But to take the responsibility to replace the book...Huge points in my book! There are parents whose child has destroyed 2-3 books a day and I can't get them to replace one.

Do you have any parents that you give big credit for doing the right thing?

Book of the Week-Where's Wallace

When I was about 3 or 4, I was introduced to Where's Wallace? by Hilary Knight. This book came long before all those search and find books that became so popular with Where's Waldo and I Spy. This is a great book! I used to hide this book in the library when I wasn't allowed to check it out so that no one else to get it before I was back. I loved this book. I still do! It wasn't until I was 6 or 7 that I realized that this was an actual story. The story is on every other page turn. On the other page turns, there is a 2 page layout picture that includes many characters. There is Wallace the oragutange that keeps escaping from the zoo. Then there is the zoo keeper who keeps having to look for him. In addition to a mischievous girl with red bows in her hair, her mother, a baby who thinks he can do big things (like drive a car), a cello player, a relay race runner, a grandma who knits, a huge dog, and so many more. The pictures are what really draws the children in. This is not a circle time book. This is a book that belongs on the shelf in the library area to be looked at and admired. It's great to sit with a child who may need some one on one time with you. It's what I call a "lap time" book. If someone just needs some get away from the classroom and spend some quality time with the teacher; this is the book for them. It's great! I highly recommend any classroom or home have this in their library!

Lesson time-major changes

Okay, I don't have a product to review; rather a situation. We have a child, let's call her Lacy. Lacy is under the care of her grandmother. Her mother just recently got out of jail and is beginning to be integrated into her life. Lacy is also a tomboy type personality (she was spiderman for Halloween, plays softball very well, and really relates to the boys better). She is an absolute sweetheart and has a great personality. She has more adults in her house than children, and therefore sometimes needs to be brought back down and told it's okay to be a child. She also loves her teacher, Miss N, and seeks her out. Oh, one more thing, she's 3 going on 4. I'm writing about this situation because some people might think how we resolved this issue is somewhat unfair in a classroom environment; I think that not doing it would have been unfair to Lacy.
When I walk into my center, I look out for the best interest of each individual child. This is a difficult task. How do you make sure things are fair for each child and the group as a whole? When dealing with an issue with a child, I look at what will work with just that child and "forget" about how fair or not it is with all the others. That being said, the situation:
As I said, Lacy's mom just recently came home from jail. Last week, she began hitting her teacher. She would hit, kick, throw dominoes at her, and even say not-so-nice things ("you're a poopy head." "I hate you!", etc...). Miss N was at first surprised because she has never had this level of a problem with her. The other surprising thing was that she seemed to be laughing at everything she was doing to Miss N. Lacy even smirked when I went to the classroom and Miss N brought up this issue. At nap time on Thursday, Miss N brought her into my office because she was at her wits end (Note: I don't usually allow children to be brought to my office for trouble. We deal with it in the classroom; Miss N knows and abides by this, so I knew it was urgent when she came in). She was kicking, screaming, and trying to wake the other children up. I got a thought in my head at this point: she wants Miss N to spend more time with her. So, I said "Bring her mat in here. Lacy if you hurt Miss N, you can't be in her classroom. You're going to nap in here with me." Of course, as anticipated, this upset her even more.
After she slept for about an hour, Lacy woke up. It was close to nap time being over, so I helped her up and we talked for a bit. She told me how much she loves Miss N and how "Miss N is cool." She also told me that she told Miss N she was sorry at the lunch table. And I believe she really was. I also believe that this change in home scenarios and her limited 3 year old vocabulary, has caused her to react in this way. She hasn't always known appropriate ways to express love so her way to tell Miss N she loves her is to hit her. Proof to how much she loves Miss N: on the way back to classroom Miss N was coming our way. She leaped into Miss N's arms, buried her head in Miss N's neck, and sobbed. That full on sob of "I'm so sorry, I love you, I don't mean to hurt you, help me please!"
At this point I was very proud of Miss N. She wrapped her arms around her and just held her close. When Lacy was done crying, they walked into the classroom together as if nothing had happened.
Of course, it doesn't end there. How do we get these behaviors to stop for good? I talked to Miss N in my office, away from the children. After talking to her, we both concluded that she did these behaviors when Miss N was focused on other children or activities. She didn't hit/kick/throw things when she was mad or didn't want to clean up. It was always when Miss N's attention was turned to something else. So this is what I told her to do (ready? this is where some preschool teachers may think I was unfair):

I told Miss N to spoil her rotten. Let Lacy think that Miss N's world revolves around her.

Specifically I told her to make sure that she gets to sit next to Miss N at lunch and circle time. Make it known that this seat is for Lacy. When she pulls out an activity, Miss N is to have Lacy help her set it up and everything. Lacy should be the one that invites other children to those activities. Then, after about two weeks, start to slowly break away. At that point, she still gets to sit at Miss N's table, but maybe the seat next to Miss N is still taken. Lacy can sit across from Miss N: "This way I can see you, and look I can still touch you, too!" Let her slowly adjust to not being the center of the world.
Is this fair to the other children? Yes, because if any of them needed it, we would do the same thing for them. Will they think that the teacher doesn't like them? No, they are 3, it's adults who feel this way. Now, if Miss N completely ignored all the other children, then maybe. However, every child is involved in the appropriate activities and each one has something special about them and for them. We are just letting Lacy know that she is as important (and in her mind even more important). Oh, by the way, it's worked like a charm. Her hitting and other behaviors have gone to NONE! That's right, she doesn't need to hit to get attention; she's already got it. And not one other child in the class has picked up these behaviors or has had any other behaviors to show they were feeling left out because of this. They are all happy and active. Each one of them still comes bouncing into the classroom every morning with a huge smile on their face and a hug for the teachers.

Here's a personal philosophy of mine: treating everyone the exact same is not treating them equally. Treating everyone according to who they are individually is treating them equally.

The best teachers, in my mind, are the ones who can think of each child individually and react according to that one child. I had a teacher who's rule was that, in order to get chosen for a weekly chore, you had to sit perfectly still at circle time. Poor Robert never got chosen because he couldn't sit still; it was physically impossible. His face lit up the day that she was absent and I got to choose chores for the week; Robert was the first one I chose, because he had come to circle; which was an amazing thing for him.